27 years later, and this is how it all ends up; People
trying their best with the people who are best for them. But nothing can hide
the tears, aching, or shrapnel straight to the heart that we childishly covered
with Band-Aids, beer, and casual sex; not once permitting the world to see the
destruction that was laid across our bodies before our minds were developed
enough to understand. It is a strange
occurrence to look back at your own life.
I don’t write often anymore, not as much as I once did. I
feel tired, played out. I have nothing to say to nobody listening. Today I feel
damaged, walking around bleeding out of my eyes for everyone to see. This isn’t
a plea for help, just one of those days.
Unlike the youth of today, who off themselves at every negative comment
and sideways glance, I grew up in a time and with a family, where bullies
existed, but we were taught to grow a pair. Insensitive, probably, but it’s how
I feel.
Did I come away undamaged? Most certainly not. I don’t know
a single person who did. But here is the thing, we are still alive. We haven’t
given into death, not yet, we have just begun. Even though we feel weary, never
good enough, and like a generation of fuck ups…we survived. We pushed the
boundaries of who we were and what we wanted and found ourselves on plenty of
dead end streets comforted with blow up mattresses and cheap bottles of wine.
You feel okay most days, but that is when it hits the
hardest. Something takes you back (a song lyrics, a certain time, the smell of
cologne, the touch of a hand) and you realize ,perhaps, you aren’t as strong as
you wish to believe or faked yourself into thinking. Turns out, in the right
situation, under the right circumstances everything is more than willing to
fall apart.
It all takes you back, to that time when you let yourself
go, lost parts of you…had someone repair what you never knew was broken or
needed fixing. But letting someone get that close was the problem, because
while they were inside tinkering with the pieces that made you, they revamped
the parts of you they didn’t like, but doing so left the other pieces to fall
to the wayside. And now we are walking around, some kind of Frankenstein monsters,
with our mouths stitched shut and our hearts mended with superglue and epoxy.
You could classify us as a collage of sorts, pieces and
parts. Trust issues, a smile, abuse, laugh lines, tear ducts, and all the
information we could gather to protect ourselves from ever letting it happen
again. Nobody at this point is looking to be ‘whole’ again, we have let that
dream fade into background noise. We want someone to come along with matching
baggage, to look us in the eyes…and say, ‘I see you are broken, but I like
broken.’ That is until something shiny and new comes into our eyesight.
I rest assured, knowing there are still good people out
there. I have met them. And I have chosen to keep those people in my life. It
takes a lot of ‘weeding’ out and going from a full garden to a row of seeds.
But with growth comes new possibilities, new promises, and the chance at happy.
And every single person deserves the chance at that.
And once time has healed us and led us down a different
road, once we have put the past to rest, we can start to become the people we
were always meant to be. People too big for this small town, for this god
forsaken state, too much to be held back by all our ‘fuck-ups’, too big for
anyone to even realize everything that is coming. Don’t close your eyes just
yet, we are witnessing our own ‘becoming’ and just starting to take bloom in
the dead of night.
Peace and Love,
And Dinosaurs and Robots,
Jonathan
And Dinosaurs and Robots,
Jonathan
